Horoscopes

TAURUS – April 20-May 20 As accurate as the weather report might be, you must be careful to avoid the 3011 bus. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are all buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope. Having reached a personal goal, the future looks rosier for you!
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Don’t trust little birdies…they are renounced liars. Protesting is about to become important to you, as is writing witty slogans on placards something you are very good at if you can get the right pens.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

What are you looking for here for? You should be on a spaceship sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your owned damn fault, Id say.

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously. SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21 Happy Birthday Mom! And everyone else who celebrates being half man/woman and half horse. At the same moment you will be reading this, someone else will be thinking of

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

This month, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgment you will let him in. On Tuesday 2 people near you will engage in rubber band warefare, you will be caught in a crossfire and severely thwarped.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LEO – July 23- August 22

Those born in “Leo” have a tendency to find themselves in trouble, they are as corruptible and they are powerful, and will seek to gain an advantage in any way possible, either in business(loan sharking) or love(a relationship between 2 people) Good month to waste your life watching television.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

Happy Birthday to you! Through a casual remark in an elevator…you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called “How to Irritate People” By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. This might be a good month to carry your enchanting tool with you… you never know.
IDEAL JOB: CANDLE WICK MAKER
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously. GEMINI – May 21-June 21 Another birthday has arrived…Large tongued Gemini dogs will come your way in overly affectionate encounters, particularly after early supper, bowl-of-water-lick, or mid evening walkies until well into July. Embrace

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

ARIES – March 21-April 19

Happy Birthday you gorgeous Ram! Not only are you HOT this month, you are also oh so clever. You will invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will smartly name “Nighty Knight”! Let’s hope it goes over well, you could use the money! Invest in yourself and silver since you most likely can’t afford gold, and the dollar is in the toilet.

CELEBRITY ARIES: Julia Styles

IDEAL JOB: Donut Hole Cutter

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously. PISCES – February 19-March 20 You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls-most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper