After spending the whole of August in bed, you will greet the world with a renewed vigour. Embrace new challenges and be helpful at work to those you have been awkward to in the past. Try to think up some new jokes and smile for at least an hour a day.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
In an impromptu moment of creativity over the coming month, possibly while you shower lavishly or, maybe, while cavorting Fred Astaire style in heavy rain, you will compose a bouncy melody you will name ‘None of your bees wax.’
Welcome advice from afar this month, which may come in the form of a radio phone-in show, television talk show or an e-mail from someone you don’t know from Nigeria.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
CANCER – June 22-July 22
Vampires, witches and traffi c police are well starred this month, especially when parking in dark alleys on the 7th.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON
A lava hot-lamp that you or a hippy inspired relative owned in the 1960’s will impact on your life this month in ways unforeseeably messy at the moment.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Ensure you accurately tie any shoe laces, or other knots in your clothing, to avoid embarrassment as, after the 15th, a planetary alignment will attempt knot-fl ip-opens and undo’s at random moments.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
You will be drawn to a snazzy sofa and chair set which will go well in your lounge – however the coverings will wear out suddenly three days after the guarantee.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Puddings with currants are well starred after the 16th but only if eaten with a counterclockwise spoon movement.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
Tip for the month: Try to work the phrase ‘cock-a-hoop’ into a conversation after the 4th, especially if hosting a dinner party with chicken as the main course, your comedic irony will be well respected on many levels.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN
ARIES – March 21-April 19
The slang word from England ‘knackered’ will make itself known to you this month in an peculiar way. In England the word means tired/exhausted, but originally, in Shakespeare’s time, it meant to punch very hard in the privates. This uncomfortable mental picture will come to the front of your mind the next time you buy English tea or muffins, or watch former British Prime Minister Tony Blair on television.
Crying over spilt milk may seem like a folly, but perhaps not if you’ve spilt piping hot milk over your naked body. Weekend “raves” are not something that happen to you anymore. But it’s okay, you have things like Wogan instead. RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Continually turning around in a circle is not a good way to avoid seeing the horrors you have created. Your life is a mess, now stop getting dizzy and sort it out. Danger, excitement, thrills. Even spills. These are buzz words which may catch your attention this week, possibly in the form of a horoscope. RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA
There is a lot of anger in your brain. Douse it with cool, flavoursome beer. Everything you are thinking about will end up getting lost in some sort of fuzzy logic. RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
If you’re ignorant are you blessed? Only with ignorance, my stupid friend. Just because people laugh at you doesn’t make you a comedian. RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
You’re feeling as out of place as granny panties on Lady Gaga. Shed those layers of pretense and let your personality go au naturel. You may not make any new friends, but the breeze feels nice. RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
An unfortunate sporting accident makes you rethink your career, but don’t give up. Steve Martin made the arrow-through-the-head look successful, you can do something special with that puck up your butt. RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY
In an impromptu moment of creativity over the coming month, possibly while you shower lavishly or, maybe, while cavorting Fred Astaire style in heavy rain, you will compose a bouncy melody you will name ‘None of your bees wax.’
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Your left arm will develop an occasional evil attitude this month, a bit like in that movie The Dead Man’s Hand With A Mind Of It’s Own. Avoid any kind of flower arranging, horse riding or cheerleading activities until your left arm comes under control again.
Hugs and kisses are well starred throughout the month, especially the part when the lips are pursed and the eyes are half shut but before the lips touch the cheek. A knock at the door will bring a small surprise on the 26th.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Well, your lucky streak is set to continue at least for this month and possibly longer as Jupiter rewards you with the fruits of being entertaining to the planets on so many levels for so many years.
Scientists will help you this month by informing you that you can catch love in jars and spread it like a disease. This will cause your heart to leap and you’ll immediately feel like you’ll want to grab the nearest person and slurp their face off.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Furniture with wood like coverings continue to be 2% below completely possessed until well into July-ignore what the devious pseudo-timber is saying, it is trying to break your spirit.
Another birthday has arrived…Large tongued Gemini dogs will come your way in overly affectionate encounters, particularly after early supper, bowl-of-water-lick, or mid evening walkies until well into July. Embrace these moments, as we all know that love comes in many different forms and we should take what we can get! RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER – June 22-July 22
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in soaps and detergents, and that its culinary use started at a joke—it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it! RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
Everyone wants what’s best for you, in terms of reducing the amount of time you are allowed to show your face outside of your house. Your ideals are starting to shape the way you’re living, so congratulations. RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
The law may be your friend today, or it might turn round and bite you in the ass. Either way the word “law” is going to crop up. Holiday, it would be so nice…to be on holiday. So why not go for it? RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
Having had a taste of victory last month, this month may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. Kindling is always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2×4 plank. The words you use to describe yourself may have to be revised today, after suffering what can only be described as “hell” RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Hopefully the pains you’re currently experiencing will disappear over the coming hours. Time is on your side, feel free to mix-it-up a little. You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton’s greatest hits. What do you do? RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
CANCER – June 22-July 22
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
ARIES – March 21-April 19
PISCES – February 19-March 20
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
LEO – July 23- August 22