PISCES – February 19-March 20
Tip for the month: Try to work the phrase ‘cock-a-hoop’ into a conversation after the 4th, especially if hosting a dinner party with chicken as the main course, your comedic irony will be well respected on many levels.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN
ARIES – March 21-April 19
The slang word from England ‘knackered’ will make itself known to you this month in an peculiar way. In England the word means tired/exhausted, but originally, in Shakespeare’s time, it meant to punch very hard in the privates. This uncomfortable mental picture will come to the front of your mind the next time you buy English tea or muffins, or watch former British Prime Minister Tony Blair on television.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Lights in the sky will tend to be misleading this month, after a particularly accurate period at the end of last year which we forgot to tell you about.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
A foul swearing neighbor will have you in her sights this month and will hurl insults which would make even a cynical, heavily muscled, armed services PE trainer blush.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
CANCER – June 22-July 22
A pudding is destined to have a pivotal import on the 5th and furry things with legs may never feel secure in your house again.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON
LEO – July 23- August 22
Jupiter is now leaving your quadrant, Pluto and Mercury are set to have a free reign this month. You will be drawn to the joys of philosophy, hats, and handkerchiefs made of silk.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
You will be faced with an unlikely, but life affirming, irony this month involving your car, a road with a happy chirping bird in a bush near it, and a small bag of peanuts.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Whilst your stars suggest a 50% better than average chance of winning the lottery this month, you have a 275% higher than average chance of being involved in some sort of Benny Hill type mix up involving melons on the 20th.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
This month your main influence will be Pluto which is about to enter a period of high fluorescence. You will be drawn to outrageous fashions by European designers, and favor bright reds, pinks and yellow with sequins, and flashing lights.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
A friend from the past will make an unusual entrance in the second week of the month which could damage a small shrubbery in your garden.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Your multicolored Chakras are starting to merge into a single browny-purple one. This is bad if you had plans to meditate using these, although if you intended to devote your life to purely capitalistic pursuits this is not a particularly tragic occurrence.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Street brawling is well starred this month and could lead to an exciting career change after the 12th. Ensure your street fighting bicycle chain is well greased and any car antenna has that blunt bit at the end removed for optimal thwacking and stabbing possibilities.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA