SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
You’re feeling as out of place as granny panties on Lady Gaga. Shed those layers of pretense and let your personality go au naturel. You may not make any new friends, but the breeze feels nice.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
An unfortunate sporting accident makes you rethink your career, but don’t give up. Steve Martin made the arrow-through-the-head look successful, you can do something special with that puck up your butt.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Not only do you have a new lease on life, but you also get free financing and no payments until June. Right now every day comes with a sun roof; stick your neck out and enjoy the light.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
You are a Rubik’s Cube: small and annoying to everyone except children and geniuses. Show everyone your true colors, and maybe people won’t be tempted to peel your stickers.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN
ARIES – March 21-April 19
If all you want is to be an ass, do nothing and get paid, your choices are to become a stubborn mule or go to Congress. Those are drastic steps, so work up to them by getting a reality show first. At least you’ll be worth watching.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Don’t think of yourself as a bull in a china shop. This month you’re more of a hedgehog in a Silly Putty factory, because everything will gum you up and make you rather sticky. Bring wet wipes.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
CANCER – June 22-July 22
So you’re not the center of the universe. There’s probably a planet-ripping explosion happening there anyway. Enjoy your quiet corner, just don’t fall asleep and slip into a black hole.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON
LEO – July 23- August 22
Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Quit searching for enlightenment outdoors; what you want is deep inside. That’s where the aliens buried your implant. Explains a lot, especially your love of Honey Boo Boo and deep-fried bananas.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
A window doesn’t always open when a door closes. Sometimes you just sit in the dark and wonder where you left the matches. Take time for a little introspection, but don’t stay too long, otherwise you’ll hiss like a vampire when the exit sign finally lights up.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY