CANCER – June 22-July 22
Scientists will help you this month by informing you that you can catch love in jars and spread it like a disease. This will cause your heart to leap and you’ll immediately feel like you’ll want to grab the nearest person and slurp their face off.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Furniture with wood like coverings continue to be 2% below completely possessed until well into July-ignore what the devious pseudo-timber is saying, it is trying to break your spirit.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Your selfish ways will not improve this month as you win a sizeable jackpot in the lottery. Walking to work in a clown costume can help you in your search for humility. It may seem unrelated to your month so far, but remember, the world loves a bastard.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
7. For no reason at all, I’m going to throw the number 7 at you. SEVEN. Take everything you’ve got and run like the wind! Chew the cud with some friends this month, their inane chatter may amuse you.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hairstyle. Personally I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone. But you’ll find yours!
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Favor porous over non-porous rocks until well into June. You are about to be confronted by a fifteen year old child who apparently knows everything you know, but can remember things much quicker. Be patient
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Favor up rather than down on any escalator or moving staircase, especially if you have just over done the free alcohol, or chocolate samples at the supermarket.
Your destiny is like a fly carefully negotiating the great swat of life.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
You are about to meet your double this month in a bizarre coincidence involving carpeting. Brazil nuts continue to be your lucky nut…especially in any jungle or toll road based endeavors. Man, I shouldn’t have had that wine with lunch!
RULING GEMSTONE AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
It’s never too late to do that thing you always wanted to do. You know-the THING! The thing? You know. Kissing Swedish style remains your greeting kiss (for both sexes) of choice this month.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
The medical degrees you claim you possess were not worth the 70 Euros you paid for them through PayPal. You might find yourself aching below the knee this month. Angles may become a nuisance on the 10th…especially 90 degree angles.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Saturn suggests you draw out the ooo whenever you say hello this month until the 27th. Chives, jives and hives are all starred this month until Neptune intervenes, and nodding is better than smiling. This is going to be a long month for you.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Arguments involving fish, fish fingers, battered fish, fish nuggets, and fish sticks, that used to be called crab sticks, but aren’t anymore because there isn’t any crab in them, (like their ever was!) are starred this month.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE