ARIES – March 21-April 19
Having had a taste of victory last month, this month may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. Kindling is always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2×4 plank. The words you use to describe yourself may have to be revised today, after suffering what can only be described as “hell”
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Hopefully the pains you’re currently experiencing will disappear over the coming hours. Time is on your side, feel free to mix-it-up a little. You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton’s greatest hits. What do you do?
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Heavy drinking can lead to a certain number of social problems. If it’s tasty, then lap it up. If not, don’t. This is the best course of action for this month. Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the nature of the soul. Geddit! It’s a…well, it’s just…
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER – June 22-July 22
Your sub-conscience may decide to rebel against you today and force you to re-remember everything you had managed to block out. “Thinking strategically” is a cop-out. You did what you did because you’re a selfish competitive little person.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
You are everything you always hoped you would never be. Today may be the day for a quick change. Damage caused by rage might cost you around $250 this weekend. Avoid posh bars. If you mis-use the word literally once more today (“I *literally* laughed my ass off”), you’re going to feel what it’s like to be hit “upside the head”.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Having reached a personal goal, the future ought to look rosier for you. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realize you have other stronger ties.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
There is no need to be afraid, today. Tomorrow is the time for all your fears to be played out in one condensed package. Hope will always get you through your problems. Yes, “hope” your doctor is mistaken or misinformed about your unfortunate predicament. Google is about to take over your life – play responsibly.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you’ll find love on eBay, for sale at low, low prices.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Looking into your future is like looking into a blocked pipe on a waste disposal machine. Cartoons will flavor the day for you, today, giving you ideas and humor. Pah! Happiness? The Gods know not of this word and you will pay for your insubordination.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Your selfish ways will not improve this month as you win a sizeable jackpot on the lottery. Feeling locked up when you’re in an open park is a sure sign that you’re slightly claustrophobic.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Today will seem like a good day for disregarding advice concerning things that are generally considered to be bad for you. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room whilst the “adults” discuss your situation. This week, make sure you are
one of the “adults”.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Good fortune will stalk you like a mean spirited vulture month and won’t spread any of his juicy fortune charm over you. You’re as transparent as a blast of canned air – try to be more complex by wearing hats that are clearly too small for your head.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE