These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Happy Birthday all my fellow Taureans! For those of you that don’t know, we are ruled by the planet Venus (the love planet), the stoic bull (hence our stubbornness) the color green, and our bodies are ruled by our ears, nose and throat. We LOVE money, comforts and food, not necessarily in that order…so go and buy yourself a lottery ticket and pamper yourself cause this is definitely your year! Be contented destiny wise.
CELEBRITY TAURUS: Stevie Wonder
LUCKY NUMBERS: Any and all combinations of 2-5-7
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
This month you will join the political action group “Whiners for Peace”, and will call up your senator’s office and whine at them. Don’t forget to sign up for the big “Pout Out” next month! You are being watched by a large penguin, act normal.
CELEBRITY GEMINI: Dennis Rodman
LUCKY NUMBERS: 34, 5, 9
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Your favorite color will start to look a little different this month…not sure why. Don’t try to tell people how to live their lives! Your life is your own and you should feel perfectly free to bugger it up royally if you so choose!
CELEBRITY CANCER: Toby Keith
LUCKY NUMBERS: Only the number 1
LEO – July 23- August 22
Today you will be seized by inspiration and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that “poetic” is the name of your car! You will also be forced to reevaluate your boss’s IQ when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”. Hmmmmm
CELEBRITY LEO: Loni Anderson
LUCKY NUMBERS: 9 AND 909
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you this month. Any time you feel restless this week, try to imagine what it would be like to take Viagra and Ritalin at the same time!
CELEBRITY VIRGO: Hugh Grant
LUCKY NUMBERS: ANYTHING WITH A 0 IN IT
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
A horoscope, (not this one of course) will affect your decisions this month as love will strike on your heart and make you ask someone out, someone you would have never previously had the heart to ask out. They’ll still deny you your wishes but they may have an ugly step brother/sister who they reckon needs a “good seeing to”.
CELEBRITY LIBRA: Tommy Lee
LUCKY NUMBERS: 8,9,10
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
The cigarette burn mark on your arm may fade over the coming days and will be replaced by a young lady swathed in roses. Do you remember anything from that party? Falling in love is an absolute blessing and will fill your heart with sugar plums, fairies and pretty flowers…I too was at that party!
CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Bo Derek
LUCKY NUMBERS: ANYTHING WITH AN 8 IN IT
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Your sub conscience may decide to rebel against you this month and force you to re-remember everything you had managed to block out. Put your mental abilities to the test today and try to figure out how best to spend the money you have in a non frivolous way.
CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Clay Aiken
LUCKY NUMBERS: 29 OR COMBO OF
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
The night may seem like a safe time to parade through the streets of Quepos naked; however you may find there are some that oppose your freedom. Well, actually probably not…go for it! Excellent month to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Kristie Ally
LUCKY NUMBERS: 7 3 6
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Go out and buy yourself 7 different kinds of mustard and try them on oven baked potatoes or on sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables, and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant!
CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Garth Brookes
LUCKY NUMBERS: 88
PISCES – February 19-March 20
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. Everyone you see this month will be “power walking”. Ignore them…they are just trying to get on your nerves!
CELEBRITY PISCES: Seal
LUCKY NUMBERS: 77
ARIES – March 21-April 19
This is a good month to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started. And Ropa Americana would be a great place to start your search.
CELEBRITY ARIES: Kerri Russel
LUCKY NUMBERS: NONE LUCKY THIS MONTH… go with letters