These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Like your life, peanuts can be dried, roasted, blanched and put inside little potato coatings. Just like your life. You will be plagued by happy people, but don’t be swayed by them, stay miserable.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
This month is for lovers everywhere. Find positives wherever you are and accentuate them. Do not dwell on the negatives and you will have happiness. It’s really quite simple isn’t it? You get better looking every day. I bet you can’t wait for tomorrow!
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
You will meet someone you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them…at least not without the spiked collar and the leather whip.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
You will come up with a theory about people-that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron-On. That’s why I’m on-line right now. That’s also why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, Id avoid Alice.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
A handsome man is not all he seems. Because in fact, he is not all that handsome. Book yourself an optician’s appointment as soon as you can, but travel there by bus.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
You will be surprised to find an ancient scroll posted through your door this week with a 3000 year old etching of yourself inside. You will realize that you are inside a paradox and that you should never listen to that stranger in 5 years time. Keep things in perspective.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you see nothing, be open to the possibility that you are a vampire. Avoid silver bullets. “Charlie Sheen” continues to be your preferred method of partying this month.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Conversations concerning the current state in Egypt should be avoided, unless you can at least point to where your local Egyptian restaurant is on a map; walking like an Egyptian is not enough.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
The stubbing your toe on the bedpost advisory we forgot to mention last month continues. Bright yellow is your lucky pet lizard color for half of the month, and then it reverts back to green.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Long walks barefoot along the beach are the worst possible way to show off your newly pedicured feet. Choose filming them yourself and posting them to YouTube instead.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
A new found dieting guru, recommended to you by a fellow Capricorn, will advise you to eat with your knife and fork in the other hand. The cuticles on your left hand will have an important message for you this month.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
A magic trick where a person disappears and then reappears will be your only chance for escape in some sort of traffic violation where a police officer pulls you over this month. Make sure you have enough magic cabinets, cloaks and hats on hand at all times.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST