These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Don’t trust little birdies…they are renounced liars. Protesting is about to become important to you, as is writing witty slogans on placards something you are very good at if you can get the right pens.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
2011 offers the prospects of at least 4 once in a lifetime opportunities. Be ready. Beware of arguments while playing Monopoly this month, especially if you have just rolled a 6. And always choose the dog as your monopoly marker.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Dreams involving flying (usually a good sign) will just be so-so-ly starred this month if you live in a country with the letter “a” in it. Embrace brussel sprouts in all their forms after a positive start at Christmas. Did you try them with bacon, onions and butter? Mmmm.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Choose Speedos rather than board shorts in any beach based endeavors(including dreams this month)No consumer products will have the desired absorbency for your needs…be patient, something new is coming on the market soon.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
That bank bailout money you salted away at the peak of the financial crisis is about to be asked for back-first politely, then politely with guns and full riot shield gear at your home at 3am. Don’t let it get to that.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Purple shirts are about to become cosmically important. Purple has always been you’re lucky color, even if you didn’t know it. Just buy anything with that color in it and watch your fortune improve immensely!
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going 5th and hover in the background. When aiming for greatness, set your sights to “better than greatness”…and when you fail like a miserable shit, you’ll at least be able to blame it on trying too hard.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
February holds out the prospect of a large windfall, and by April the marvelous year you are about to enjoy will be set in motion, with long cigarette holders and lounge coats firmly starred. Can you say… “Playboy Mansion Hef!”
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
You will have a 3% chance of becoming Time Magazines “person of the year” for a fabulous invention you will concoct…have you been working on that? Time is ticking and I predict this should happen by the end of the month. Be ready for your 15 min of fame.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Many of the solutions given to you in life make you feel like there is no hope. This is true. Perhaps it’s true that you are not the immense stud that you once were. Paris Hilton will “pop round” today for a chat and a biscuit, either in spirit or in person
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with 3 fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair…That IS how the saying goes right?
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Tensions could rise in the next few months when someone close to you opens your mail and then puts it in a drawer without telling you. This kind of domestic level issue will irritate you and cause you to act increasingly petty. Do you really need to set up that webcam?
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET