These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Happy Birthday to you! Through a casual remark in an elevator…you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called “How to Irritate People” By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. This might be a good month to carry your enchanting tool with you… you never know.
IDEAL JOB: CANDLE WICK MAKER
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
You will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in an unusual place. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon and then eat you! The lesson to be learned here is…stay tuned…
IDEAL JOB: CRASH TEST DUMMY CRASHER
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
By mid month you will wake to find many small objects on your tile floor which will bring you to an alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in your house. Search though you may, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…this is also a good month to become boisterous, however, avoid obstreperousness, it doesn’t look good on you.
IDEAL JOB: NAIL POLISH COLOR NAMER
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
You’re lucky animals this month are a moose and an owl, as long as they are seen separately. If seen together, run into a bar or head for the tallest coconut tree you can find since there are no moose in Costa Rica.
IDEAL JOB: ICE CUBE TRAY MOLDER
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Lunar tidal exertions will hamper any attempts at a relaxing bath around the 3rd. Is it possible you have forgotten something important this month? The charts suggest the 14th is fraught with difficulties involving a card shop and a slow moving old person.
IDEAL JOB: KITTY LITTER MAKER
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Lemons are your lucky fruit this month, especially when consumed in a cheesecake or muffin form. Avoid the baking of any new puddings from packets bought at a super market, especially if they are chocolate in nature, or take on the appearance of a healthy Caucasian tan.
IDEAL JOB: JELLY BEAN SORTER
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Your favored luck-giving dog which you should pet when you see it on the street this month is any small yappy type dog, especially ones dressed in a tartan jacket. Avoid tongue twisters on the 18th.
IDEAL JOB: BEAN BAG STUFFER
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. Lately you will feel blessed with great abundance, like your cup rennet over…basically you will need a bigger cup!
IDEAL JOB: HANGOVER REMEDY TESTER
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
A neighbor thinks his dog is so smart; it is starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along with a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil.
IDEAL JOB: YOGA GURU
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Romance is in the air this month, just over the north of France. If you don’t happen to be near France then chances are you are going to strike out again. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don’t panic yet.
IDEAL JOB: MATTRESS TESTER
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Your ability to think up lies on the spot will be challenged this month-Don’t be afraid to run really fast-problems will catch up, but at least you’ve given yourself a few minutes to think up some bullshit explanations…good on ya!
IDEAL JOB: COW MILKER
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Whenever you feel unhappy this month, smile and go to the toilet. This action should soon turn things around for you. Your destiny is in full motion this month, so do not ponder.
IDEAL JOB: CORN HUSKER
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE