These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
What are you looking for here for? You should be on a spaceship sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your owned damn fault, I’d say.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
It’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding. This is also a good month to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
You will make several somewhat unadvisable impulse purchases this month. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Year of Spam” decorative wall clock.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the yellow pages under “Florists, Reputable.” You will have a tomato feature in this month’s cuisine. Sadly, that will be your pinnacle of excitement this month!
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood this month, when you go out for Italian, and insist on eating with chopsticks! Significant Other or S.O. is a fairly disturbing way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them, “that thing I know”, or “unstranger”.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
“Love in Spoonfuls”- a great way to sign off a flirty email, but not a particularly practical way to dole out your feelings. Many people find a spoon a tricky instrument to use during love making.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Scarves wrapped around your head in “Rambo Style” are luckily starred this month, as are armless tops! Your destiny has the debit card but can’t remember the pin number in the cash machine of life.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Hairy backs are about to become fashionable again in a brief moment of 1970’s flash back heaven/horror…depending on your preferences. Blue leather continues to be your preferred fetish gear.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Buzzing, flying, insects are your lucky creepy crawlies this month. Watch carefully where they rest for therein may be a message from the planets. Your destiny plays the tambourine in the folk group that is your life! Deep!
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
For a brief moment on the 4th you will be free to ask for whom the bell tolls. It may be tolling for you, but you are feeling increasingly confident you will be able to deal with whatever it is that the tolling bell signals.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Beware of tall or angry birds, especially at feeding time, and especially if you are in a position of undress. People with stethoscopes around their necks are not always doctors. In fact, most people are not what they seem. Hmmm…….
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
A superman logo t-shirt will give you super powers for a brief moment on the 25th. Use them wisely and you could become an overnight YouTube hits millionaire! That email from Africa stating that you won $17,899.00 and you deleted, was completely genuine.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE