These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
PISCES – February 19-March 20
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls-most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. How did you get that invite by the way? YOUR people are obviously bigger than MY people!
CELEBRITY PISCES: Jack the Ripper
LUCKY SONG: “My Ding a Ling” (who sang that?)
ARIES – March 21-April 19
You will rest peacefully on the second week of this month and sink into a strange dream. In the dream you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.
CELEBRITY ARIES: Tiny Tim
LUCKY SONG: “Lick it Up” (KISS)
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
CELEBRITY TAURUS: Paula Rubio
LUCKY SONG: “Great Balls Of Fire” (Jerry Lee Lewis)
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is LOVE, one is TRUST, one is SHARED PLEASURES, and one is SHARED DREAMS. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
This month is also Secret Society Month. Don’t join-no matter how much you like the secret handshake.
CELEBRITY GEMINI: Peter Pan
LUCKY SONG: “Blue Suede Shoes” (Elvis)
CANCER -June 22-July 22
This month you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come and explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive-a better offer will soon arrive from an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monestary.
CELEBRITY CANCER: Sam Shepard
LUCKY SONG: “Wasn’t That A Party” (Oakridge Boys)
LEO – July 23- August 22
You will sneak out one evening this month with a box of papayas under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up you will remember nothing about it. However, throughout the day you will find those slimy little black papaya seeds everywhere-your garbage, in your shoes, stuck in your toothbrush. You don’t even like this perfumey fruit-I think this may be a sign to give them another try!
CELEBRITY LEO: Little Red Riding Hood
LUCKY SONG: “Did I Shave My Legs For This” (Deena Carter)
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
This month is paper airplane month. Have as much fun as you can stand…next month will be ugly. On the positive side, the mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca King), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions on the 17th. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
CELEBRITY VIRGO: Gene Simmons
LUCKY SONG: “Poker Face” (Lady Gaga)
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Remember that this month 2 wrongs don’t make a right. But 3 do.
I know your requests are being ignored…often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or DIE SCREAMING.” It always works for me!
CELEBRITY LIBRA: Hillary Duff
LUCKY SONG: “Get This Party Started” (Pink)
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
This is a great month to do unusual things. For starters, stand on a sidewalk, near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way….it is also a good month to make Mexican Food. Just don’t drink the water! I’m thinking Hot and Spicy Mexican Tortilla Soup with sour cream! YUM!
CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Neil Young
LUCKY SONG: “Stir It Up” (Bob Marley)
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You will find that is particularly true this month.
You know that job interview you have? I have an idea…Eat a bunch of Oreos just before, and smile a lot. They will spend their time staring at your teeth that way and not at your resume.
CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Bruce Lee
LUCKY SONG: “Elvira” (Oakridge Boys)
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
While cracking your knuckles this month, you will be startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. It really is a bad habit you know, perhaps you should quit the whole thing all together.
CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Mary J Blige
LUCKY SONG: “Cover of the Rolling Stone” (Dr. Hook)
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
A very pudgy cat will annoy you this month, and inspiration will strike you at the same time, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing, and the two are not at all related, just a strange turn of events is all.
CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Diane Lane
LUCKY SONG: Any Wizard of Oz song