These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Happy Birthday Mom! And everyone else who celebrates being half man/woman and half horse. At the same moment you will be reading this, someone else will be thinking of you and smiling. You have that affect on people sunshine! You are also the most spiritual of the zodiac, so light some white candles this month and wish for all your dreams!
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
LUCKY SIGN: Potholes in the road
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
This month is itchy nose month. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a spacesuit. It is also a good time to tell your friend to quit wearing that ridiculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee instead?
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
LUCKY SIGN: 7 leaf clovers
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
On a pre arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish this month, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he is behaving strangely, and look concerned.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
LUCKY SIGN: A jumping cricket (the green kind)
PISCES – February 19-March 20
A scruffy looking fellow who you have never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline in this instance. Beware of people named Doug.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
LUCKY SIGN: A basket of eggs (1 blue one is extremely lucky)
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Drinking alcohol this month may well turn into the worst next month possible, try to go out wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic. Your funny bone may have disappeared momentarily, but it may turn up where you least expect it.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
LUCKY SIGN: Alligator Teeth (please do not attempt to extract)
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
When asked to perform in a successful jazz band, consider all your options before accepting…can you even play an instrument? That would be a great place to start. If you don’t claim that free holiday…you’ll never win it.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
LUCKY SIGN: Lucky Charms cereal (their magically delicious)
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Eggs, flour, milk, potatoes, sage, and onion stuffing-these are all the ingredients you need for a happy marriage and a pleasant evening. It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big fun house. Just without the “fun”.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
LUCKY SIGN: Chicharroni grease splashing on your clothes
CANCER -June 22-July 22
A PhD degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that is a plus.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LUCKY SIGN: A chimney sweeper (even though you don’t have one)
LEO – July 23- August 22
Privacy will be an issue this month. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind)
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
LUCKY SIGN: A beggar giving YOU 500 colones
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Many of your problems can be solved this month by sitting down with a pen and paper and doodling pictures of houses and possibly tornadoes. Your appetites may diminish when you fall into a vat of gravy with no inside ladder.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LUCKY SIGN: A beckoning cat (look for them, they are everywhere)
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
The best way to undo your mistakes is to stand up, take a good look around and then shout “Sorry chaps, my life has been one mighty cock-up and I’m very much to blame. If you need to give anyone a very good kicking, I’m your person. Please form a queue, there will be no velvet rope, so no pushing. Thank you.”
The month gets better, hang in there.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
LUCKY SIGN: 3 keys on a keychain (unlocks the doors to wealth)
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
You may wonder this month why the love-starved don’t have a charity where the wealthy-in-love collect money and then send sexy presents. Déjà-vu is the feeling that someone patronized you before (often by telling you what déjà-vu means) you will have this feeling most of the month.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
LUCKY SIGN: Bubbles (all types)