These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
This month, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgment you will let him in. On Tuesday 2 people near you will engage in rubber band warefare, you will be caught in a crossfire and severely thwarped.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
You will find yourself in a huge hand basket before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. Did you know that this month is the second to last month of the 19th segment of your life? Don’t question.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Good month to go out and play in the mud. Or at least find some way of making squishy sounds. Need some income? If you act now, you could be the first in your neighborhood to have an actual moat and working drawbridge. Something to consider.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Do not go anywhere this month without a floatation device…after all it is rainy season.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone.. “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say…”Crunchy things?” You soon will. This month you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Take care when opening up an email this month from a friend; you may not enjoy the electronic content inside. It may also become apparent that you are gradually becoming what you always hated. Phone your father and tell him.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
I would estimate that at least 50% of your efforts this month will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Life is like that…and just when you start to get used to it, you’ll suddenly receive a big pick me up. Sid may be a lucky name for you this month. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you fancy because he is just *that* connected.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Everyone you know this month will wear unmatched socks. Actually it is stranger than you think…they are all members of a pagan cult and this is sock swap month.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
You will discover an old amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Regret can hurt you over a long period. Lament this month, but next month must be a month for anger and retribution. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in soon and cause you to go without clean pants for 2 days.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing. But a brown sauce is not always a brown sauce. This will make sense in the days to come. The future holds great things for you. Blah! Blah! Blah!
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Skeletons in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and have nothing to be embarrassed about. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Your lucky goat name for this month is Penelope.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE