Horoscopes

ARIES – March 21-April 19 You will be drawn to a snazzy sofa and chair set which will go well in your lounge – however the coverings will wear out suddenly three days after the guarantee. RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA TAURUS – April 20-May 20 Puddings with

PISCES – February 19-March 20 Tip for the month: Try to work the phrase ‘cock-a-hoop’ into a conversation after the 4th, especially if hosting a dinner party with chicken as the main course, your comedic irony will be well respected on many levels. RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINEFAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18 This month your lucky fruit and lucky colour is orange. Enjoy this rare alignment of colour and fruit luckiness.  RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYSTFAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA PISCES – February 19-March 20 This number of lucky days is a record for any star sign so make the

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19 Crying over spilt milk may seem like a folly, but perhaps not if you’ve spilt piping hot milk over your naked body. Weekend “raves” are not something that happen to you anymore. But it’s okay, you have things like Wogan instead.RULING GEMSTONE: GARNETFAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21 You’re feeling as out of place as granny panties on Lady Gaga. Shed those layers of pretense and let your personality go au naturel. You may not make any new friends, but the breeze feels nice.RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZFAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December

LIBRA – September 23-October 22 In an impromptu moment of creativity over the coming month, possibly while you shower lavishly or, maybe, while cavorting Fred Astaire style in heavy rain, you will compose a bouncy melody you will name ‘None of your bees wax.’ RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL SCORPIO – October

LEO – July 23- August 22 Hugs and kisses are well starred throughout the month, especially the part when the lips are pursed and the eyes are half shut but before the lips touch the cheek. A knock at the door will bring a small surprise on the 26th.  RULING

CANCER – June 22-July 22 Scientists will help you this month by informing you that you can catch love in jars and spread it like a disease. This will cause your heart to leap and you’ll immediately feel like you’ll want to grab the nearest person and slurp their face

GEMINI – May 21-June 21 Another birthday has arrived…Large tongued Gemini dogs will come your way in overly affectionate encounters, particularly after early supper, bowl-of-water-lick, or mid evening walkies until well into July. Embrace these moments, as we all know that love comes in many different forms and we should

TAURUS – April 20-May 20 Everyone wants what’s best for you, in terms of reducing the amount of time you are allowed to show your face outside of your house. Your ideals are starting to shape the way you’re living, so congratulations.RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD GEMINI – May 21-June 21 The

ARIES – March 21-April 19 Having had a taste of victory last month, this month may seem like the ideal opportunity to go wild. Kindling is always useful when lighting fires. However, metaphorical fires can be started using a baseball bat or a 2×4 plank. The words you use to