CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
The world moves pretty fast around you and you must learn to slow it down to a reasonable pace. Much of this can be done with a hefty broad-sword. You’re single. So what are you doing reading this when you could be out there having fun? Go let your hair down. “Shout, shout, let it all out.”
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
You will be glad of a loved one’s ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. You like sealife but you hate the sea. Your mum and dad grew up in a small village where you met an elderly couple who later died. You may never find what you’re looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Repetition may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again. Liven up your day by putting party balloons all around your desk.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Bread, lightly cooked, buttered. This horoscope was sponsored by Toast. Banter between two important people may sway you in your current ideas about progressing with your life. However, until you hear this banter it is impossible to say which direction you’ll take.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Eat and be merry your on vacation.
Deja vu is not a thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Today is another day, and all can be well both here and in Denmark.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Danger. Excitement. Love. Hate. These are words which are often used in movie advertisements, but very rarely happen in your life. This week may be the beginning of a startling change for you. Ignore those who laugh at your sense of style.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER – June 22-July 22
Controlling your situation may become more difficult than you imagine when you’re strapped down inside a barrel. Round things may become useful to you today. Life’s problems, however, cannot all be solved by round things. People older than you often ask your opinion because you are a trend setter and a marvellous role model for society in general.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
For what it’s worth, today is going to be very short. Which is a very good thing for you. Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental breakdown.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Knowing your hand span may become useful over the coming days, although the mystics will not give me any information as to how or why. After a car crash you will see a light at the end of a tunnel. Do not be vexed, this only means the car is facing the other way. Hope can solve nearly all of your problems today. Until tomorrow when all of your dreams will be dashed to pieces.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
All your wishes can come true if you’re willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Today might surprise you by quickly changing the colour of the clouds perhaps for up to 10 seconds. When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you’ll need it sometime around 4pm..
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Your house of finance is having a flare-up. Keep a close watch on what you’re spending your money on. Also, 3 things: be supportive, honest, and slow to anger and you will have success this month. You get a lucky number this month, its 111.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
You do look remarkably fetching today, and I’d like to offer you a fish supper. Skeletons in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and are nothing to be embarrassed about.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE