These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Smashing things up on a small scale will bring you joy this month. Use a pestle and morter like in science class, go for a hard 2 handed thump, followed by a gentle grinding until your will is meted out.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Bridges, tractors and windmills are your lucky tropical fishtank accessories until mid June. An Elvis impersonator has a message for you on the 12th hidden on a piece of paper in his well greased hair.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Its time to forgive something or someone, maybe a pet or a bedpost, for wrongs you deem they have done to you. I suggest you make it an elaborate ceremony with candles and all. Embrace chaos in all forms.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
The security services in your country could be informed of your troublesome nature, something you have managed to keep off their radar the last 20 years by talking to people far to drunk to remember what you told them the next day.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
You will soon realize what hell perfection is, but you brought it on yourself, you minx. While watching a rerun of Airplane, you will be inspired by that old woman who can speak 1970’s jive.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
You will accidentally add a measure of spirits to a Manhatten cocktail you were making and find that it is simply the best cocktail you have ever tasted. Try as hard as you might you will never be able to recreate that one splendid moment again. That’s your 2012 in a nutshell baby!
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
It is a well known fact, well at least to me, that the way dogs sleep in their baskets is a premonition of things to come. You may have to “google” what Fido is trying to tell you…but all 4 legs up in the air at once is a terrible sign if it isn’t actually dead. In 2012 favor the numbers 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, in any combination.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
2012 is NOT the end of the world as you expected. It is the beginning of a new beginning. It’s your time! Run barefootedly into the sun even if you can’t see where you are treading, all will be well as stones and sharp thorns come under the influence of Mars.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Outlandish philosophical opinions involving whether a fish knows the difference between right and left is your preferred drunken topic around the 28th of the month, especially with the bearded(including the unshaven)
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Your appetites may increase this month as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during the last operation. Peaches and cream-if only more things were like these 2 beautiful, oft paired delights.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
You don’t have the right to tell anyone what to do, no matter how much you’ve been through or how much you earn. When faced with a lifetime of trauma, remember what your mom always told you…Cats can eat mice, but cant dogs also?
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Alcohol can be a man’s best friend-not a dog…well, perhaps a dog if he is pickled in alcohol. Everything you say this month will be like a very beautiful flower, spreading its seed amongst cacti.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET