These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Happy Birthday and Merry Xmas! You have a lot to celebrate this year. This month will be a strange one for you…the smell of Evergreen trees has an intense yet subtle effect on you. You may find yourself wanting to snuggle up to stuffed animals and drinking copious amounts of Egg Nog with the little marshmellows in them…this is fine in small quantities, but please remember to give back those stuffed animals when you are done squeezing them.
CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Scarlett Johannsen
IDEAL JOB: Citrus fruit dryer
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Whilst making breakfast in your skivvies you will realize one of your legs is considerably shorter than the other one. You’ve been tilting all this time and have been fine, so don’t worry about it. In some cultures, standing wonky is extremely arousing…somewhere…I’m sure of it!
CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Tracy Ullman
IDEAL JOB: Crocodile Wrangler
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Every so often some inspired individual will shed his clothes and show everyone in the surrounding environs what “God gave em”. You too are about to go on a streak, but it will be one of those lucky kinds as opposed to the naked kind. At least you won’t get tackled by cops, and that in itself is a brush of good luck!
CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Vanessa Redgrave
IDEAL JOB: Fortune Cookie Writer
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Today you reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbors place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find is very bad news indeed…your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny!
CELEBRITY PISCES: Harry Bellefonte
IDEAL JOB: Imax Screen Cleaner
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Music boxes have a message to input if only you had time and vibration skills to understand what they are telling you. Pluto is in your corner trying to work it all out.
Barnacles, boulders and fruits are all “B” words set to pepper your month with meaning. Pay special attention to Boysenberry’s and Blackberry’s while strolling the market…if not in season…this too is another sign.
CELEBRITY ARIES: Vince Vaghn
IDEAL JOB: Professional Whistler
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
If there is one star sign that the term “boom or bust” refers to it is Taurus. You are the action man, woman, of the zodiac, and you know all there is to know about financial, as well as actual, bubbles. You guessed it, you are about to embark on a deal that involves a bubble making machine. Go with your instinct. All your neighbors will be proud, and somewhat jealous. Good luck with that!
CELEBRITY TAURUS: Busta Rhymes
IDEAL JOB: Fountain Pen Repairer
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Are visions of sugar plums dancing in your head? What the heck are sugar plums anyway? No worries…this month you will bake more goodies, pies, and perhaps sugar plums than you ever thought possible, which is odd because baking has never been your passion. Remember baking soda and baking powder is NOT the same thing.
CELEBRITY GEMINI: Stevie Nicks
IDEAL JOB: Snake Milker
CANCER – June 22-July 22
The months of training for your boy band performance at the company Christmas party will pay off handsomely this month. Whilst a talent scout will (accidentally) see your performance, he will not deem it sufficient for any recording deals. Don’t give up just yet. The New Year holds some pleasant surprises for you in the talent areas of your life.
CELEBRITY CANCER: Randy Jackson
IDEAL JOB: Wrinkle Chaser
LEO – July 23- August 22
Your creative juices have never been more flowing. After last month’s dabble in song writing, this month you will invent a Christmas decoration using egg cartons and hair from your pet bunny rabbit. This will, over the next twenty years, become a standard part of Christmas celebrations in the US as well as some foreign countries and particularly in homes where bunny rabbits are openly worshipped.
CELEBRITY LEO: Dorthy Hamill
IDEAL JOB: Furniture Tester
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Whilst inflating a balloon this month you will suddenly remember something important and run from the room, forgetting that the balloon is still in your mouth. It’s such a shame that car crash bags have already been invented or you could have made a fortune from your forthcoming discovery. “The Walking Personal Airbag.” I think you may be onto something.
CELEBRITY VIRGO: Fiona Apple
IDEAL JOB: Adult Store Attendant
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Good advise that you have ignored in times past by using the method of putting your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and saying to yourself “I’m not listening”, are set to provide trouble this month. You should have listened to a rant inspired by Jupiter last month. Batten down the hatches! This month your destiny wears the in-ear headphones of a Piscean who refuses to change.
CELEBRITY LIBRA: Bryant Gumble
IDEAL JOB: Braille Translator
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
This is a month to reflect…Is your job really that bad? Have sales really been down by a landslide? Have you been paying a little too much attention to your partners’ faults? Though you’re not normally so forgiving, December is your month to let it all go…clear your mind and try that new soup recipe you’ve been thinking about. That’s right…I’m telling you to COOK a pot of soup…and warm your soul with a good bottle of wine!
CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Kevin Kline
IDEAL JOB: Dice Inspector