Memoirs of a MasseurTodd Pequeen

My Philosophy Self

Most nights I go to bed around 9:00 pm and wake up at 5:00 am. That said, my schedule varies widely due to being an independent massage therapist and completely submerged into the ebb and flow of tourism. I rarely have a set schedule and more often than not my work is on call, tourists want a massage now!  It can be frustrating as well as rewarding but after 22 years of living in Manuel Antonio I understand how the game works. Sometimes my intention for the day is altered by a last minute call for work or something having precedent over my desires…meaning life. The little things that happen frequently when maintaining a functioning house, vehicle, marriage, or juggling the bureaucracy of living and surviving in a Costa Rican beach town. The old adage “Murphy’s Law” seems to occur more often than not and staying flexible mentally for me is a part time job. My reality is that my 50-year-old self can occupy hours upon hours in my garden, odd jobs around house, or even in front of the computer writing my peace as the world turns. Yes indeed my 30’s and 40’s have passed me by and most of my closest friends are raising families and doing their best post-covid selves, as aware of their isolation as I am. Mid-life crisis is indeed a reality however I do not feel like I am part of that. My wife and I are currently building a bed and breakfast and re-inventing our future but at times like these I whole heartedly feel like the world is much different now that the restrictions of Covid has passed us by, a recent nightmare of the early 2020’s. At times I feel isolated but I have always felt that to be my best self my process of living is about producing daily “pain and self-discipline” as a means to remain inspired. Then finding the peace and power to go about each day with positivity and faith no matter the outcome. It is a personal mental choice that goes beyond the standard of comfortable routine and repetition. I sometimes feel lonely and desperate even with a caring wife, fruitful occupation, and financial security. Although childless I doubt my feelings of emptiness and longing for an intangible something will change. I believe my feelings are simply a part of life for those who take the time to wipe the slate clean and look at exactly what one does on a day-to-day basis and how important these things will be on our death bed. What will the most important aspects of our lives be just hours before we pass on? A morbid thought perhaps but also an honest question for those of us that feel like these decades of living, of unraveling are coming to an end….and it could be tomorrow. What should we do more of or less of? I don’t know but I am curious.

Pessimism has never held space for me as I have always felt that philosophy, positivity, and the feeling of love and passion is a bridge to my greater self. No matter what my situation I am the forever optimist in a world that spins both blessings and struggles to all of us. I do not want life to be fair nor do I wish an easy path for anyone, as I have learned that the greatest lessons of life are earned through perseverance and struggle. There are so many distractions to the intentions of the day when I wake up each morning. I believe that limiting my own desires as my day transpires is just as important as having a “wild and free” attitude…but some of my greatest joys have been realized by letting myself go with the flow and having fate take its course. How does one decide? I guess my confusion lies somewhere in the realm of discipline vs. fate. I wonder if other people think of their day as a roulette wheel of fortune between what needs to be done versus what may happen and become awesome due to letting the pre-conceptions wither. Time and time again I can experience hardship yet that only prepares me for happiness and joy in the future. As an ex-patriot for over half my life I am well aware of my gifts as well as the cultural complexities aligned against me. Yet, I have chosen a life that suits my nature and have found an amazing peace here in Costa Rica over two decades later. I wish my Spanish was better, I wish I felt less struggle because even to this day I wake with something to prove…I try to comfort my clients but for me the days of beach life and a worry-free attitude has all but evaporated. I am not sure sometimes whether “living the life” is a permanent actualized statement of a teenage dream or being a trend setter that followed his truth. Is a happy reality as fine of a line as it seems?  

Philosophy has a way of never being right or wrong and that is precisely why many people have a problem with it. We are all individuals with vastly different histories, desires, and focus, yet I have always found value in turning myself on end and trying to see myself upside down. My favorite clients are the ones that realize that “perfect health” is not attainable and it is a revolving door between mental, physical, and spiritual health. We get older every hour and the world around us is changing rapidly, how can we possibly remain in the status quo and expect to always be happy? Change is the elixir, for better or for worse, and to underappreciate it or not engage in it is a fearful act of self-preservation for losers. We are victorious at the highest level when are aware that the devil doesn’t come to us in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything we have ever wished for. I am simply using an emphatic description and not being a zoetic preacher. When we think we have everything going for us and are completely dialed in we are in the most danger. Interjecting our ease with submissive respect is the only way to see the reality of this extremely fragile existence. Holding space in this moment and creating a neutrality about where the day, week, or year is going is one way to finally reach a blissful state here on earth. When we bow our heads in gratitude and forgiveness, we rise like conquistadors for ourselves, our families, and our community. Thank you for reading my meanderings…I love you.

Todd is available tomorrow for the best massage of your life. [email protected] –  WhattsApp: 8830-7727