These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Jake Gyllenhall continues to be your lucky Hollywood megastar this month, especially when you are trekking through the cold glacial climes and you need to take off your top to walk through freezing water and there is no TV crew to film it all. Machismo like that is rare! And there is no money to be made out of it!
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Beware of small difficult to control mouth vomits around 1pm on the 18th of this month. Your destiny is like the most difficult last 2 degrees of a situp. Also, Neptune has left you a message somewhere on the History channel on the 7th.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Saturn has left you a message on the local country music station. You have until the rattlesnake rattles for the last time before midnight on the 19th to do what the message says…take this one seriously my friend.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Favor the stuffed peppers to the aubergines(eggplant) at any beachside restaurant on the 18th. Uh oh…”Bursting into Song day” again. Your friends will avoid you. Excellent month to be expansive and benevolent, it will make people worry.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernesto? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know the quiet neighbor with the binoculars. 10 to 1 might seem like fair odds, but then how likely are you to be able to successfully breed Pandas with Llamas? (A Panama?)
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Opportunity is waiting around every corner. All you have to do is catch up with him, put him in a big box and beat him with a big stick! Always meet people you met on the internet in a dark place…preferably a graveyard or a dark disco.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
This month will leave no stone unturned…in a metaphorical way, that you have to decipher. Please keep your eyes on the exits. Everything you are thinking about will end up getting lost in some sort of fuzzy logic.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
A strange Harry Potter like incident involving an owl with a message attached to one of its legs will add a moment of both extreme excitement and anguish as feathers fly like you have just come across some kind of real life Tom and Jerry animal fight. Read the message the owl gives you carefully.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
A book is waiting to be bought by you on an internet site that is set to change your life. But which one is it? Jupiter is adamant that you should find out for yourself, and Neptune wants to provide help. Either way, the planets will guide you.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
On the 18th, you will be drawn to a happy person who is determined to give you a treat. A chance encounter with an inspired street urchin, or bum, may set you off on a path of no return. Follow him until you are under the bridge, but no further.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
This month your destiny has the ears of a goat, but the tongue of a beauty queen. A favorite pair of socks that you thought you lost last month, will reappear in mysterious circumstances.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE