These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that its a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Be playful at heart and you will reap the reward of having more friends under the age of 10. Beware of tour guides walking backwards in their guide commentary’s.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least it should be. If you have not experienced this then its time to look elsewhere or just look harder.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
This month your destiny is like a custard pie in the face thrown by Charlie Chaplin, you are undoubtedly in the presence of greatness, but it is still as uncomfortable and sticky as you expected it to be.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Your unofficial Paul Simon song writing course is coming along in leaps and bounds, when you discover the way 51st way to leave your lover on the 25th.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Coconut oil is your lucky frying, massage and furniture polish oil this month, especially if frying chicken, doing back rubs, and buffing mahogany tables between the hours of 5-8 pm.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Castigate, prevaricate and masticate are your lucky gate and kate words this month. If you have no idea what F4 does on your computer, this is not the time to try pressing it.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Beware of fat women with noticeable cleavage and arms filled with flowers this month, especially if you look kissable.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
How many times should you make eye contact during a walk and talk down the street? It’s a difficult one, and Jupiter has the answer for you on the back of a milk carton on the 19th.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Welcome pseudo intellectuals with exactly twice the number of kisses on the cheek that they insist on giving you.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Omega 2, 3 and 18 are your lucky omega oils this month. Your destiny will join the end of the queue like everybody else…
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Beware realistic dreams that sound like the plot line to some sort of afternoon movie as the sun gives off flares that whip round the earth and slap you on the head as you sleep on the 7th ???? I know, it’s confusing.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL