These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Woop! Woop! It’s your Birthday! The phrase “having your cake and eating it too” has always troubled you…Today, cakes all have a “best before” date on them, so if you don’t eat your cake before the date-guess what? You lose your cake! My point? The planets are trying to tell you to make the most of time, and don’t listen to old sayings about cake from elderly people.
It’s also time to lower your standards regarding love, be aware that marrying your own pets is not allowed in most countries!
CELEBRITY SCORPIO: Theodore Roosevelt
IDEAL JOB: Royals for the throne
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Someone who looks just 25% like a movie star is about to pepper your month with romance, intrigue, or just may buy you a pint in the pub or bar. You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish/English dictionary before you pack your bags…
CELEBRITY SAGITTARIUS: Ali Baba
IDEAL JOB: Yoga Guru
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
A person you splashed in your car when you went through a puddle a while ago is about to get their revenge in an equally watery way…It is a good month to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your buildings as “port” and “starboard”.
You will notice a photo on a colleague’s desk and comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy and new parents can be a bit touchy.
CELEBRITY CAPRICORN: Daffy Duck
IDEAL JOB: Lottery Ticket Vendor
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Milkshakes using vegetables instead of fruits are well favored this month-yes they taste awful –especially the potato milkshake! You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
CELEBRITY AQUARIUS: Abe Lincoln
IDEAL JOB: Wizard
PISCES – February 19-March 20
You will take a wrong turn today and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Honduras, along with other people who have little sense of direction. It will be okay, providing you like rice and beans and hot weather.
Beware of lightening this month! Either stay indoors or leave your aluminum foil hat behind!
CELEBRITY PISCES: Jerry Lewis
IDEAL JOB: Potato Digger
ARIES – March 21-April 19
You should give your car a name so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid” and always do that little 2 finger wave and say “engage” when you start off of course!
You will have left over lasagna for lunch on the 17th. This will be odd because you do not remember the lasagna being made in the first place…just one of those things that haunt you in life.
CELEBRITY ARIES: Charlie Chaplin
IDEAL JOB: Athlete
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire month, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you will never see it move. Don’t you just hate that? The 16th will be a good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf soup for lunch.
CELEBRITY TAURUS: Nicolai Lenin
IDEAL JOB: Shepard
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Having trouble sticking to that diet? It’s even harder when you see all those yummy commercials on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination-mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth! The 21st is a good day to go on a voyage of self discovery. Try to be back by dinner.
CELEBRITY GEMINI: Johnny Depp
IDEAL JOB: Comedian
CANCER – June 22-July 22
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion this month, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement! Your creative juices are flowing this month and there is no end to what you can accomplish…in a pure stroke of marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh roasted peanut butter door to door. Your clients may find the peanut costume a bit much.
CELEBRITY CANCER: King Henry VIII
IDEAL JOB: Gangster
LEO – July 23- August 22
You will be misidentified on national TV as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you long distance to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
You will discover a few small flaws in your character this month. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, a few gallons of cheap wine should do the trick!
CELEBRITY LEO: Aldous Huxley
IDEAL JOB: Fiction Writer
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names for Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”.
That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug again”, or “Im going for a walk with No Clothes On!”
CELEBRITY VIRGO: Stephen King
IDEAL JOB: Rat Catcher
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
This month you will become a digger. Dig. Dig. Dig. That’s all you will think about for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond 27 feet down and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you give me ANY credit of course!
Small, fluffy animals will come over and lean on you this month. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and telling you that you are furniture!
CELEBRITY LIBRA: Bridgette Bardot
IDEAL JOB: Nudist