Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – July 2011

July 4, 2011

These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.

CANCER -June 22-July 22

Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. You will also find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air”, or “nose hair”.

RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY

LEO – July 23- August 22

Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it. The moral of this horoscope its: expect a gift horse. The sounds of fairies in your head are brought on by the alcohol. It may be time to stop drinking this week.

RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE

VIRGO – August 23-September 22

David Bowie is like you are: gentile, robust, always ready to pop back into the charts by providing backing vocals to pretty much any old schmuck. The similarities between you and Bowie are pretty much endless. You are now as you will be for the rest of your life.

RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE

LIBRA – September 23-October 22

It’s the start of summer in the northern hemisphere this month, and speedos have never been more poorly starred, especially Baywatch brand red ones. This month you will find a real word that rhymes with orange.

RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL

SCORPIO – October 23-November 21

You are about to be invited to a full tux and white tie dinner. There must be a Dummies book for this, but if there isn’t it looks like the planets are looking at you to write one.

RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ

SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21

Avoid pirates with feathers in their hats especially in the Indian Ocean when out on your expensive yacht around dawn on the 8th. In any situation where you need to choose between a skull or crossbones, go for the skull.

RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE

CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19

Remember that your hairdresser is not bound by the same client patient privilege that you and your doctor is. This month your destiny has started thinking up a plot for “Hangover 4”!

RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET

AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18

Red haired people and blondes look set to provide you with alternating pleasure and pain this month in various ways, including in shoe shops, at the launderette, and in the chilled meat section of your grocer.

RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST

PISCES – February 19-March 20

If you are feeling down, cover your head completely with cotton candy and get an animal with a large tongue to lick it all off. Embrace the swami with the brown eyes and the wispy beard

RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE

ARIES – March 21-April 19

Ask for birth certificates of anyone you have business dealings with, local politicians, and pizza delivery guys, as birtherism sweeps the capitalist world like Donald Trump’s hair caught in a gust of wind.

RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND

TAURUS – April 20-May 20

Don’t blame it on the good times, the night time, or even the boogie until the 7th of next month. “If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance” This is your saying of the month.

RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD

GEMINI – May 21-June 21