These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don’t be afraid to spread damn dirty lies. This month, your seasonal destiny feels like the lowest berry on the mistletoe.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Half of what you think you are good at is actually a complete fluke. This month might see the end of your futile efforts to get good at something.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
When hankering for some food, you may decide to experiment with various plants…avoid those with 3 leaves. This festive season, favor mince pies over Yule logs in all situations involving snow.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Repetition may annoy you this month, as someone you love tells the same damn story over and over again. Riding side saddle on reindeers has rarely been better starred. Have fun! I’d go for Dasher!
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Anything someone says this month that is unkind is probably meant in jest, you dirty bastard! Drug tests should be performed at exactly 6:13 precisely for the results you are looking for.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
A good month to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn’t be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy things up. Find yourself a “Screaming Tree”. What is that you ask? It is a tree that you can vent your frustrations at. Need I say more?
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Today you will be struck by the notion that, “life is like one of those little cars the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
More trouble with that annoying “bluebird of happiness” this month. With any luck, the cat will get it. You are a pretty creature; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Inspiration will strike you and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing about it. Sing a song inside, and to hell with the dark clouds that await you.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Beware realistic dreams that sound like the plot line to some sort of afternoon movie as the sun gives off flares that whip round the earth and slap you on the head as you sleep on the 7th. ???? I know, it’s confusing.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Unruly behavior by some of your closest friends can be solved by using pitch forks. Lots of different shades of grey help you know that metal objects are 3 dimensional.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Mythology states that all kinds of crazy crap happened. You believe that don’t you? That’s why you’re here. Insure everything you own at 125% of the cost.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE