These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
LEO – July 23- August 22
Blues harmonica playing has never been better starred than this month, especially in impromptu nights spent in police cells. Embrace “flowery” people with open arms.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Beachwear is critically starred this month with a 40% chance of wardrobe malfunction when entering or getting out of swimming pools or the ocean until sunrise on the 26th.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Favor states beginning with the letter C this month, especially if you are looking to buy truck loads of peaches, or set up some kind of money laundering operation to pacify a drug baron who is holding a member of your family hostage.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
As the sun starts to increase its activity, your dreams are set to become more blockbusterish than usual. Enjoy, it will be like having a second more interesting life when you sleep at night.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Avoid big men running fast down Main Street dressed all in white. Give them a wide berth and avoid the instinct to obstruct or trip them up-no good will come of this as Venus takes control of fast moving white objects for the whole month.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
This month your destiny is like a happy Margarita Pizza looking for just one additional topping to complete itself. Of you are ignorant are you blessed? Only with ignorance, my friend.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Your spine is going to feel a tingly sensation sometime this month and you will not be able to attribute it to anything specific that you did. My gift to you is this wisdom: he who makes love at awkward angle, gets back problem for next day.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
If you lose money this month, you can be assured that the nature of human kindness will mean that you will never see it again. This is because, this month the nature of human kindness is to be as mean as an old woman the day before pension day.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
Love should be grasped like a nettle and embraced like a bulldog. Never let love out of your sight. All of which you have fought will be lost if you cannot control your wang. This will all make sense to you soon.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
This year looks like it going to be a good one, full of vigorous situation, sweaty encounters, and dry sweet smelling stop overs in arctic bunkers. Every time you have a weird day you wonder if there is someone out there controlling your destiny. Hmmmm.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
During this month, things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering, “Have you had a haircut?”, “Facelift?”, “Liposuction?” The truth will be much simpler and exciting then they could possibly understand.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Everything you have done in your life thus far is brilliant and you will get the reward you richly deserve. Presenting yourself with homemade cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY