These Horoscopes are meant to be fun and enjoyed. They should not be taken too seriously.
ARIES – March 21-April 19
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be…”fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Prefer pirates with a patch over their left eye, rather than the right, especially in piracy danger spots such as the oceans near the Philippines, the Congo, and Wall Street
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Any attempt to kill with kindness this month will fail at the 3rd to 5th false grin. You will be amazed at a frogs jumping ability while casually sitting near your pool reading a book.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER -June 22-July 22
Massaging, including that light hand chopping technique, whatever it is called, is well starred, especially with incense oils burning and Cat Stevens hits from the 70’s playing in the background.
RULING GEMSTOME: RUBY
LEO – July 23- August 22
Giraffes and long necked spiders are your favored bedfellows this month. Sculpture in marble is set to inspire you…as you set out on a 25 year project to carve your very own David.
RULING GEMSTONE: PERIDOT, JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Your left profile is about to become better than your right in any photograph this month, especially in any outdoor model shoots that have the Eiffel Tower in the background.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Great month to meet everyone with enthusiasm. For example, “Bob, you’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated). You yearn to be a farmer, just so you can be out standing in your field! Go for it!
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Get used to seeing bruises over the next few months, as you and furniture are not seeing eye to eye. The good and the great come together this month, and miss you entirely during all their endeavors.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Cooking dinner for someone you care about this month will help garner their trust, so you can take advantage of them. To the rest of the world, you are like a brine shrimp. Fun, but ultimately useless, and short lived.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
This week is going to be one of those “trial by fire” type nightmares that happen every so often. The likelihood is that your going to feel very miserable about it and for a few days you may sport a “pout” that could actually win awards.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Even though the latest medical advice is that you should perform just a heart massage rather than the kiss of life, you will be strangely drawn to kiss an unconscience person this month.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
Talking to yourself, including singing motivational songs to yourself at any volume, is well starred, even in places where silence may be applied but there is no actual sign up.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE