Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – April 2014
ARIES – March 21-April 19
You will be drawn to a snazzy sofa and chair set which will go well in your lounge – however the coverings will wear out suddenly three days after the guarantee.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
FAMOUS ARIES: LADY GAGA
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
Puddings with currants are well starred after the 16th but only if eaten with a counterclockwise spoon movement.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
FAMOUS TAURUS: SADDAM HUSSEIN
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
You will be encouraged by a European friend to accompany them to the Eurovision Song Contest later in the year: decline politely if you do not know anything about this competition.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
FAMOUS GEMINI: DONALD TRUMP
CANCER – June 22-July 22
A breakdancer who ten years ago bought clothing you gave to a charity shop will appear on national television.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY
FAMOUS CANCER: LIZZIE BORDON
LEO – July 23- August 22
A picture of you will appear on the internet around 10th which links you to the latest Walt Disney movie release. You will receive numerous requests for media appointments, all of which should be taken advantage of for the very generous expenses payments on offer.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
FAMOUS LEO:BENITO MUSSELINI
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
A Scottish ancestor that you do not speak about in your family any more when talking at normal speaking volumes, could make a surprise appearance which will have devastating consequences for the well being of a dwarf tree in your garden or in a pot by your window.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
FAMOUS VIRGO: IVAN THE TERRIBLE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
David Bowie could come into your life this month in a way that you will find surprising. Stock up on red blusher and anything proven to make your hair stand up on end which doesn’t also make a burning smell.
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
FAMOUS LIBRA: LEE HARVEY
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
The round the world yacht race you are currently competing in will go badly unless the ‘waxing of the timber’ has been carried out frequently enough – we have absolutely no idea what this means, but if you are a yachtsman your life may well depend on it, according to what Planet Mercury told us.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
FAMOUS SCORPIO: MARIE ANTOINETTE
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Try at least one new international food this month, but not Greek as this will indirectly lead to olive throwing type violence in a deli in Europe over the next six months, even if you do not live on that continent.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
FAMOUS SAGITTARIUS: WALT DISNEY
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Save up your residual anger for a chance encounter with a man who once sold your mother a worthless cup and saucer for $30. Yes you do still have it – middle cupboard in the spare room, third from the left.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
FAMOUS CAPRICORN: BENEDICT ARNOLD
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
Beware of a red car and a Mexican’s Dorito on the 17th as this chance encounter is set to become a well known joke at your expense in Mexican stand up comedy clubs throughout the entire New Mexico area.
RULING GEMSTONE: AMETHYST
FAMOUS AQUARIUS: JAMES HOFFA
PISCES – February 19-March 20
You will make up one of the world’s finest nick names this month for an annoying guy who lives near you. It is only a matter of time until your entire neighborhood use it admiringly.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
FAMOUS PISCES: OSAMA BIN LADEN