Cosmic Confetti’s Horoscopes – August 2013
LEO – July 23- August 22
Hugs and kisses are well starred throughout the month, especially the part when the lips are pursed and the eyes are half shut but before the lips touch the cheek. A knock at the door will bring a small surprise on the 26th.
RULING GEMSTONE: JADE
VIRGO – August 23-September 22
Well, your lucky streak is set to continue at least for this month and possibly longer as Jupiter rewards you with the fruits of being entertaining to the planets on so many levels for so many years.
RULING GEMSTONE: SAPPHIRE
LIBRA – September 23-October 22
Your finger will be poised over the spam button on the 18th as an offer from a Nigerian with too much money that he wants to give away may prove too difficult to ignore. A knot you tied in your youth will come back to remind you of some forgotten thing..
RULING GEMSTONE: OPAL
SCORPIO – October 23-November 21
Expect fiery bursts of anger to come out of your mouth during the most innocent of moments. This is not Tourrettes, just Saturn causing mayhem in 90% of cases. Dogs wearing underwear will look hilarious – and when you see their owner it will all make sense.
RULING GEMSTONE: TOPAZ
SAGITTARIUS – November 22-December 21
Whilst lottery wins and unforeseen inheritances are not very likely, the small luckinesses, such as being able to breathe freely and at length and that tip-tapping sound of rain upon a roof, will pepper your life as never before.
RULING GEMSTONE: TURQUOISE
CAPRICORN – December 22-January 19
Angst, Ambush and Armageddon will make an appearance but only in a crossword, a word search puzzle, or news item not affecting you.Long, barefooted, walks along the beach are well starred, with only a 4% chance of a crab nipping at your toes.
RULING GEMSTONE: GARNET
AQUARIUS – January 20-February 18
It is a well known fact that bad luck is the same as good luck, but in reverse. Use this knowledge to your advantage by turning your t-shirt inside out. High stakes poker is better starred on Tuesday’s particularly in any Sopranos Strip Poker Executive Game type encounters.
RULING GEMSTONE AMETHYST
PISCES – February 19-March 20
You are going through one of the most incredibly lucky times of your life – it is simply amazing, isn’t it? Things have gone so well for so long now you may start to wonder how much longer your luck can hold….don’t bet the farm, times about up.
RULING GEMSTONE: AQUAMARINE
ARIES – March 21-April 19
An exotic dancer is about to base his/her latest performance on you in a new striptease routine this month. Don’t look so shocked! It’s based on his/her secret observance of you undressing in the local swimming pool changing room. Many of your admirers will be pleased you have finally gotten the recognition you so rightly deserve.
RULING GEMSTONE: DIAMOND
TAURUS – April 20-May 20
The chance of crab nippy toes while frolicking on the beach is down to 5% from 7% last month; sunbathing is pretty much doomed to at least one full crab climb on your body in seven sunbathing’s.
RULING GEMSTONE: EMERALD
GEMINI – May 21-June 21
Nothing much will happen for most of this month, a refreshing change from the Augusts of the past five years. Take time to appreciate how busy the television channels have been putting on all that programming you love.
RULING GEMSTONE: ALEXANDRITE
CANCER – June 22-July 22
Wearing red shorts on the beach will give you a nice Baywatch kind of hue, but only if you have been following our diet and exercise advice over the last 5 months. Don’t let anyone film you running on the beach topless so they can slow it down to the Baywatch music unless you are under 11% body fat.
RULING GEMSTONE: RUBY